1 00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:05,004 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:05,072 --> 00:00:08,374 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:12,011 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:12,079 --> 00:00:15,014 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:15,082 --> 00:00:18,317 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:21,636 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:21,705 --> 00:00:23,366 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,390 --> 00:00:24,923 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:30,062 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:39,438 Ugh. Look at Miss Tammy. What a skank. 11 00:00:39,506 --> 00:00:41,973 She's free muffin it at a baby school. 12 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:44,376 Hi, Stewie. Mommy's here to pick you up. 13 00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:47,491 Why do you feel the need to narrate every little thing you do? 14 00:00:47,515 --> 00:00:49,114 Oh, hi, Mrs. Griffin. 15 00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:51,627 You know, I've actually been meaning to talk to you about Stewie. 16 00:00:51,651 --> 00:00:54,630 I'm concerned that he might have an attention problem. 17 00:00:54,654 --> 00:00:56,121 "Attention problem"? 18 00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:58,434 Yes, he's been a little difficult to deal with. 19 00:00:58,458 --> 00:01:01,504 And on page two of three in the How to Be a Teacher manual, 20 00:01:01,528 --> 00:01:04,975 it says that any child who's being difficult should be medicated. 21 00:01:04,999 --> 00:01:07,065 What? Drugging a baby? 22 00:01:07,134 --> 00:01:09,734 Are you sure? That sounds so serious. 23 00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:12,415 I'm afraid his behavior has been an issue for a while. 24 00:01:12,439 --> 00:01:15,151 He's even been bothering students during nap time. 25 00:01:15,175 --> 00:01:16,775 Hey. You up? 26 00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:20,245 Guess where I have a crayon. 27 00:01:24,819 --> 00:01:28,219 So, I spent like $75 on cat toys, and what does she play with? 28 00:01:28,288 --> 00:01:30,322 A shoelace. That's crazy. 29 00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:32,669 Joe, that's been your answer every time I tell a story. 30 00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:34,070 It's like you're not even listening. 31 00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:36,072 Well, that's 'cause you interrupted me when I was telling you 32 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:39,397 about Kevin trying to hang himself with an extension cord. 33 00:01:39,467 --> 00:01:41,132 I know, that's crazy. 34 00:01:41,201 --> 00:01:43,735 Hey. Y'all wanna try some of our new food? 35 00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:46,638 I'm trying to turn this place into a gastropub. 36 00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:50,208 These are Korean tacos 'cause whatever the hell nowadays. 37 00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:53,645 Ugh. These are terrible. 38 00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:56,548 Quagmire, when it comes to tacos, 39 00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:58,617 I'll trust the Koreans, thank you. 40 00:01:58,685 --> 00:02:02,420 You're nuts. This tastes like Ani DiFranco after a bike ride. 41 00:02:02,489 --> 00:02:05,434 Jeez, Quagmire, since when are you such an expert on food? 42 00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:07,793 For your information, I'm an excellent cook. 43 00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:09,444 You? A cook? 44 00:02:09,512 --> 00:02:12,547 What's your specialty? No-way-souffle? 45 00:02:12,616 --> 00:02:14,928 I'm sorry, that was out of line. 46 00:02:14,952 --> 00:02:17,119 I am a good cook. And I'll prove it to you. 47 00:02:17,187 --> 00:02:18,664 Saturday night, you and all your wives 48 00:02:18,688 --> 00:02:20,066 are coming to my place for dinner. 49 00:02:20,090 --> 00:02:21,290 Fine, we'll be there. 50 00:02:21,324 --> 00:02:22,624 Oh, can we make it Sunday? 51 00:02:22,692 --> 00:02:25,343 Saturday, I'm giving Javier Bardem a haircut. 52 00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:26,412 So what'll it be? 53 00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:28,124 Everything. What do you mean? 54 00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:31,516 Long in the short places, short in the long places. 55 00:02:31,584 --> 00:02:34,585 It should be from both, the future and the past. 56 00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:37,172 Something a child would do to a doll. 57 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:45,563 Sorry, I just prefer to do number two at home. Where were we? 58 00:02:45,632 --> 00:02:48,933 It's Stewie, Dr. Hartman. He's having trouble focusing at school. 59 00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:51,870 Ah, yes. So you're telling me your baby won't sit still 60 00:02:51,938 --> 00:02:53,450 in a way that's convenient for his teacher? 61 00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:55,073 Yes. 62 00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:57,876 I'd heard stories, but never thought I'd see it with my own eyes. 63 00:02:57,944 --> 00:02:59,577 Mrs. Griffin, I'm going to write Stewie 64 00:02:59,646 --> 00:03:01,829 a prescription for ADHD medication. 65 00:03:01,898 --> 00:03:05,900 Really? Well, I don't know. Doesn't that stuff make you wired? 66 00:03:05,969 --> 00:03:08,236 Well, if you're low-energy and lethargic, yes. 67 00:03:08,305 --> 00:03:09,538 But if you're high-energy, 68 00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:11,451 it actually calms you down and helps you focus. 69 00:03:11,475 --> 00:03:13,742 At least, that's what I'm reading on WebMD. 70 00:03:13,811 --> 00:03:16,578 Wow. There are a lot of different kinds of medicines. 71 00:03:16,647 --> 00:03:17,979 There's a cat in here. 72 00:03:18,047 --> 00:03:20,315 Okay, I guess we could give it a try. 73 00:03:20,384 --> 00:03:21,449 Here you go. 74 00:03:21,518 --> 00:03:23,151 Now, who's this little guy? 75 00:03:29,092 --> 00:03:31,276 Wow, when did you learn to cook, Glenn? 76 00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:32,977 Well, as a young man, 77 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,692 I found that a great meal was the quickest way to a woman's heart. 78 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,382 How romantic. 79 00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:39,696 I mean, how do you think NBA players get all those chicks? 80 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,886 They're all great cooks. Except Kobe Bryant. 81 00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,705 His secret is different. 82 00:03:43,774 --> 00:03:46,975 Quagmire, you're really good. You could probably make money at this. 83 00:03:47,044 --> 00:03:49,188 Yeah, maybe you could open a restaurant. 84 00:03:49,212 --> 00:03:51,412 Or maybe get a cooking show. 85 00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:54,616 The 11:30 cooking show on Channel 5 needs a new host. 86 00:03:54,685 --> 00:03:56,384 The old one burned off his eyebrows 87 00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:58,086 and was just too weird to look at. 88 00:03:58,155 --> 00:04:01,323 You should do it, Quagmire. I'll even come along and cheer you on. 89 00:04:01,392 --> 00:04:02,857 You'd do that for me? 90 00:04:02,926 --> 00:04:06,294 Course, I would. I love cheering people on. Like when I go to NASCAR. 91 00:04:06,362 --> 00:04:08,063 Go in a circle! 92 00:04:08,131 --> 00:04:09,530 Go in a circle! 93 00:04:09,599 --> 00:04:11,265 Go in a circle! 94 00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:13,134 Advertise stuff! 95 00:04:13,203 --> 00:04:15,469 Advertise... Go in a circle! 96 00:04:21,478 --> 00:04:22,744 Hey, where's Stewie? 97 00:04:22,812 --> 00:04:25,458 Oh, he's probably sleeping off his pills. What? 98 00:04:25,482 --> 00:04:27,615 Well, the school said he had an attention problem, 99 00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:29,784 so Dr. Hartman gave him a prescription. 100 00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:33,088 You're giving a one-year-old drugs? You're doping up a baby. 101 00:04:33,157 --> 00:04:34,434 Peter, are you okay with this? 102 00:04:34,458 --> 00:04:35,957 Will you stop talking? 103 00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:38,576 I'm trying to think about a girl I saw at the gas station. 104 00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,080 Stewie? 105 00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:49,020 Welcome to pillow world, Bri. Let me get up and greet you. 106 00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:53,408 There we go. How you doing? 107 00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:55,861 Oh, my God, Stewie, you're totally drugged out. 108 00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:58,530 You know something? I've been thinking 109 00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:03,134 about how everyone in this family, Brian, does their job. 110 00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:05,504 And they do a pretty good job of it. 111 00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:13,906 God, I'm really freaking out over this audition. 112 00:05:13,930 --> 00:05:15,041 What if I blow it? 113 00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:16,864 Quagmire, when I agreed to come to this, 114 00:05:16,933 --> 00:05:19,867 I didn't know it would require this level of emotional support. 115 00:05:19,936 --> 00:05:22,904 You Glenn Quagmire? I'm Carson, the producer of the show. 116 00:05:22,973 --> 00:05:24,506 Peter Griffin, I should be at work. 117 00:05:24,575 --> 00:05:25,885 Okay, let's see what you've got. 118 00:05:25,909 --> 00:05:27,303 I think you're gonna like this. 119 00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,327 Cedar plank salmon with a maple glaze 120 00:05:29,396 --> 00:05:31,329 and slow-roasted cherry tomatoes 121 00:05:31,398 --> 00:05:32,931 on a bed of mesclun greens. 122 00:05:34,952 --> 00:05:36,451 Mmm. Not bad. 123 00:05:36,519 --> 00:05:40,088 Also, the tomatoes can be eyes, and the lettuce can be hair. 124 00:05:40,157 --> 00:05:42,257 Look down, there's also a carrot. 125 00:05:42,326 --> 00:05:46,561 This is great. Terrific food and a hilarious sidekick. 126 00:05:46,630 --> 00:05:48,908 This! This is the show. What do you mean? 127 00:05:48,932 --> 00:05:52,217 I'm saying you're hired just as long as your friend joins you. 128 00:05:52,286 --> 00:05:53,763 What do you say, Peter? 129 00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:55,787 I say let's do it! 130 00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:58,056 Whoops. Uh... Oh, I'm sorry. 131 00:05:59,326 --> 00:06:01,686 What do I do? 132 00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:07,465 I don't know what to do now. 133 00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:12,437 That was the wrong choice, Peter. 134 00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:22,625 Wow, Quagmire, look at you. You're a real TV chef. 135 00:06:22,649 --> 00:06:24,616 I know. It might sound silly, 136 00:06:24,684 --> 00:06:27,052 but being a chef is something I've always dreamed about. 137 00:06:27,121 --> 00:06:29,665 I always dream about my house filling up with water. 138 00:06:29,689 --> 00:06:30,822 That's crazy. 139 00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,791 But anyway, thanks for encouraging me, Peter. 140 00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:37,562 All right, places. We're rolling in three, two, one. 141 00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:39,597 Welcome back to Quagmire's Kitchen. 142 00:06:39,666 --> 00:06:41,306 Now, this mince pie's about ready to go. 143 00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:42,901 Just needs a pinch of cinnamon. 144 00:06:42,970 --> 00:06:44,114 And while we're at it, 145 00:06:44,138 --> 00:06:46,015 how about we take the cinnamon challenge? 146 00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:48,718 Okay, Peter, we've all seen the Internet videos, we're not doing that. 147 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,253 I was talking about something else. 148 00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:52,477 I was talking about a serious cooking thing. 149 00:06:52,545 --> 00:06:54,445 Now, the ingredients of a mince pie 150 00:06:54,514 --> 00:06:56,314 are traceable to the 13th century, 151 00:06:56,383 --> 00:06:58,049 when returning European crusaders 152 00:06:58,118 --> 00:06:59,684 brought back Middle Eastern recipes 153 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:03,521 containing meats, fruits and, oh, boy, spices. 154 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,802 Right here I'm using cloves. 155 00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:08,726 Of course, most people associate a mince pie with Christmas. 156 00:07:08,796 --> 00:07:12,030 But I'll be honest. I'm not afraid of a summer mince pie. 157 00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:14,077 I remember the first time I had mince pie. 158 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,701 Our neighbor, Mrs. Moran, introduced it to me one afternoon. 159 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,248 God! I had house-sat for her 160 00:07:18,272 --> 00:07:19,983 while she was visiting her aunt in Vernon. Oh, God. 161 00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:21,207 And she wanted to thank me. 162 00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:23,809 And, oh, boy, what a treat it was. 163 00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:26,211 You done? Yeah. 164 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,579 All right, best two out of three, cinnamon. 165 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,923 Still on those meds, huh? 166 00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:41,993 Uh, yeah, they help me to, um... 167 00:07:43,429 --> 00:07:45,763 Uh... Think. 168 00:07:45,832 --> 00:07:48,633 Okay, time for an eyes-open nap. 169 00:07:50,737 --> 00:07:52,770 God, look what those pills are doing to you. 170 00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:54,906 Putting you on that stuff was a huge mistake. 171 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:58,009 Like inviting a turtle to a cocktail party. 172 00:07:58,078 --> 00:08:01,213 Hey. Ask me why they call me a box turtle. 173 00:08:03,366 --> 00:08:05,500 See, this is how American society 174 00:08:05,569 --> 00:08:07,635 treats unique, enthusiastic children. 175 00:08:07,704 --> 00:08:09,670 Instead of embracing their mental gifts, 176 00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:12,307 their first reaction is to shoot them up with hardcore drugs 177 00:08:12,375 --> 00:08:14,041 until they're mindless sheeple. 178 00:08:14,111 --> 00:08:16,144 All the better to send off to Kuwait 179 00:08:16,213 --> 00:08:18,146 and feed the Halliburton oil machine, right? 180 00:08:18,848 --> 00:08:20,582 Bush. 181 00:08:20,650 --> 00:08:23,318 Yup, takes all kinds. 182 00:08:23,386 --> 00:08:25,920 You know, a lot of kids in my school take ADD pills. 183 00:08:25,989 --> 00:08:27,955 They say if you're lazy and unmotivated, 184 00:08:28,024 --> 00:08:30,292 it makes you super energized and productive. 185 00:08:31,295 --> 00:08:33,277 Really? Productive? 186 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,379 Yeah. And college kids take it all the time 187 00:08:35,448 --> 00:08:36,959 so they can focus on their studies 188 00:08:36,983 --> 00:08:38,943 and drinking alcohol with their butts. 189 00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:43,020 Focus, huh? 190 00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:44,489 Okay, well, Stewie, 191 00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:46,825 these babies can help the garbage disposal focus. 192 00:08:46,893 --> 00:08:48,960 Because that's where they're going. 193 00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:52,588 No need to follow me because I just said what I was gonna do. 194 00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:01,306 My God, I can't stop. The words are just pouring out of me. 195 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:04,025 I have more energy than a guy who caught a T-shirt. 196 00:09:07,063 --> 00:09:08,841 My wife can wear this to sleep! 197 00:09:08,865 --> 00:09:10,545 My wife can wear this to sleep! 198 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,534 Okay, today we're putting together duck breast medallions 199 00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:20,125 with a port wine reduction. 200 00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:21,738 And as I'm walking you through the steps, 201 00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:24,922 watch your screen for Junior Chef Peter's pop-up tips. 202 00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:28,233 Helpful hints and food factoids to make your meal a success. 203 00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:29,629 Now, you're gonna want to start 204 00:09:29,653 --> 00:09:31,463 with a large self-sealing plastic bag. 205 00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:35,990 And in that bag, we'll combine one large, finely chopped garlic clove, 206 00:09:36,059 --> 00:09:38,704 one tablespoon of grated, peeled, fresh ginger, 207 00:09:38,728 --> 00:09:42,074 two teaspoons of five-spice powder, a teaspoon of salt, 208 00:09:42,098 --> 00:09:44,666 and a half teaspoon of fresh ground pepper. 209 00:09:44,734 --> 00:09:47,569 Then you're gonna wanna add the duck breasts, seal the bag, 210 00:09:47,637 --> 00:09:49,182 and refrigerate that for at least one hour, 211 00:09:49,206 --> 00:09:51,917 or up to 24 hours if you wanna prepare this ahead of time. 212 00:09:51,941 --> 00:09:53,419 Just make sure you remove the bag from 213 00:09:53,443 --> 00:09:56,377 the refrigerator one hour before cooking. 214 00:09:56,446 --> 00:09:59,914 You're gonna put that in your oven, preheat it to 400 degrees. 215 00:10:01,918 --> 00:10:03,596 So we just spoon on the drippings, 216 00:10:03,620 --> 00:10:05,298 and that'll brown the skin nicely. 217 00:10:05,322 --> 00:10:07,755 If you bang these metal spoons on everything, 218 00:10:07,824 --> 00:10:09,824 it's like STOMP. 219 00:10:09,892 --> 00:10:12,560 Look at me! I'm huge in 2002! 220 00:10:12,629 --> 00:10:14,128 Peter. 221 00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:16,576 Nothing like a night at the theater that ends in a headache! 222 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,043 Damn it, Peter, that's it! 223 00:10:18,067 --> 00:10:20,246 I can't do this show with you anymore! You're fired! 224 00:10:20,270 --> 00:10:23,804 What? You can't fire me! Only Mr. Spacely can fire me. 225 00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:26,941 Griffin, you're fired! 226 00:10:27,009 --> 00:10:28,676 Okay, that's fair. 227 00:10:34,484 --> 00:10:35,717 Peter, can I come in? 228 00:10:35,785 --> 00:10:38,803 Hold on, let me put on my weird old actress turban. 229 00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:41,606 Yes? 230 00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:43,386 Listen, I saw what happened, 231 00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:46,389 but you should know, we at the station would hate to lose you. 232 00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:47,890 You're a big hit with the viewers. 233 00:10:47,914 --> 00:10:50,265 I will not work with that man again. 234 00:10:50,333 --> 00:10:51,666 I'm not asking you to. 235 00:10:51,735 --> 00:10:55,002 In fact, we'd like to offer you your own cooking show. 236 00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:57,372 Hmm. Let me consult with my lawyer. 237 00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:00,040 Well, Peter, since the DUIs happened so close together, 238 00:11:00,109 --> 00:11:01,909 we don't really have much wiggle room here. 239 00:11:01,978 --> 00:11:05,229 I suggest you take the jail time and just get it over with. 240 00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:07,949 I'll do it. After October 13th. 241 00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:18,243 Come on, Rupert. Wait till you see this. 242 00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:20,711 This is really something special. 243 00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:24,516 Check out how much water is in the dehumidifier. 244 00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:27,585 Wow. 245 00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,188 That was all in the air. 246 00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:38,229 Brian? Is that, uh... Is that you? 247 00:11:38,297 --> 00:11:39,697 Stewie! Rearrange. 248 00:11:39,766 --> 00:11:43,001 Ewiets. Rearrange. Wieest. Restore. Stewie. 249 00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:44,949 Hey, come see what I've been working on. 250 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,540 I call it Space Shire Seven. 251 00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:54,262 Nice, nice. It's like, it's like a fake place you made? 252 00:11:54,330 --> 00:11:57,565 It's a medieval sci-fi universe, adaptable to TV, movies, 253 00:11:57,634 --> 00:11:59,066 toys, games, and mobile apps! 254 00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:01,514 I threw together a 2,000-page treatment last night. 255 00:12:01,538 --> 00:12:03,749 And I just figured, the hell with it, why not build a scale model 256 00:12:03,773 --> 00:12:05,417 and record voices for all the characters? 257 00:12:05,441 --> 00:12:06,524 Watch. 258 00:12:06,592 --> 00:12:08,159 Well met, stranger. 259 00:12:10,197 --> 00:12:14,132 That's a Nebulon Mage. He speaks Gabi, this dumb language I wrote. 260 00:12:14,201 --> 00:12:16,834 It's then illegal? What? 261 00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:19,637 Hello? 262 00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:28,046 Okay, now we add the diced tomatoes. 263 00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:32,217 Just gonna keep going here. I like to drizzle these with a fig balsamic... 264 00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:34,513 Damn it. What the hell is going on over there? 265 00:12:38,975 --> 00:12:43,043 And that's my famous paella that looks and tastes just like a pizza bagel. 266 00:12:43,112 --> 00:12:44,152 It's a pizza bagel. 267 00:12:44,213 --> 00:12:46,981 Now, as always, add butter to taste. 268 00:12:48,150 --> 00:12:49,700 Mmm. Delicious! 269 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:50,968 Butter dunk! 270 00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:58,109 Stop it! Stop the show! What the hell are you doing? 271 00:12:58,178 --> 00:13:00,711 You're just pouring melted butter onto frozen foods. 272 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,725 You're not a chef. Oh, really? 273 00:13:02,749 --> 00:13:04,960 Then why do I already have a restaurant 274 00:13:04,984 --> 00:13:07,130 in Orlando's largest indoor water park? 275 00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:09,887 This is an insult to anyone who cares about cooking. 276 00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,889 Either you leave the network or I do! 277 00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,969 Guys, guys, look, I know how we can settle this. 278 00:13:13,993 --> 00:13:15,560 A cook-off. 279 00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:18,774 Each of you cooks a meal using a secret ingredient, Iron Chef style. 280 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,831 Will we be allowed to use calculators? 281 00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:22,967 Um, I don't... What? 282 00:13:23,035 --> 00:13:24,435 I say bring it on! 283 00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:28,105 Fine! A cook-off it is. See you in the kitchen, jerk. 284 00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:30,558 I'll see you in hell, loser. 285 00:13:32,161 --> 00:13:34,412 Bad day to carpool. Yeah. 286 00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:41,668 Okay, Joe. Peter and I are going 287 00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:43,349 head-to-head in that cooking competition, 288 00:13:43,373 --> 00:13:44,984 and they're letting us each use an assistant. 289 00:13:45,008 --> 00:13:46,190 Will you help me out? 290 00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:48,037 Okay, but just promise me there's no reading. 291 00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:50,127 I'm not a strong reader. What? 292 00:13:50,196 --> 00:13:52,074 I'm not illiterate, I'm just slow. 293 00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:53,597 What are you talking about? 294 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,706 I never tried hard in school 'cause I could always run fast. 295 00:13:58,187 --> 00:14:00,905 So, you're cool with being my chef helper for the big show? 296 00:14:00,974 --> 00:14:02,718 Sure, but I got to be honest. 297 00:14:02,742 --> 00:14:04,353 If it ain't a fish with whiskers, 298 00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:05,955 I don't know what to do with it. 299 00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:07,011 But if it is? 300 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,258 Then sweet sassy molassey! 301 00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:12,433 Great. Don't talk that way when we're on the show. 302 00:14:14,737 --> 00:14:18,772 ♪ You're taking a chance, risking it all 303 00:14:18,841 --> 00:14:22,159 ♪ For the thrill of the moment 304 00:14:22,228 --> 00:14:25,596 ♪ Taking a stand, but you aint gonna fall 305 00:14:26,465 --> 00:14:29,066 ♪ You've always known it 306 00:14:29,135 --> 00:14:33,070 ♪ They're dying to shake you 307 00:14:33,139 --> 00:14:35,639 ♪ They're trying their best to break you 308 00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,942 ♪ And though the going is rough 309 00:14:38,010 --> 00:14:41,095 ♪ You're going home as a hero 310 00:14:42,399 --> 00:14:45,950 ♪ 'Cause there's thunder in your heart 311 00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:49,603 ♪ Every move is like lightning 312 00:14:49,673 --> 00:14:54,592 ♪ It's the power you feel when you get your taste of the glory 313 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,630 ♪ You can light the dark 314 00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:01,966 ♪ When they hear your heart of thunder ♪ 315 00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:10,725 Stewie! Stew-ez Canal. You're here. We got to get going. 316 00:15:10,794 --> 00:15:12,126 "Going"? 317 00:15:13,496 --> 00:15:15,262 Where? To Hartford, man. 318 00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:16,776 There's a book fair at the convention center, 319 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,999 and George R.R. Martin will be there. 320 00:15:19,068 --> 00:15:20,401 Who's that? 321 00:15:20,470 --> 00:15:22,537 Uh, Game of Thrones, black shirts, dandruff. 322 00:15:22,605 --> 00:15:25,206 Takes down more nerd chotch than anyone around? 323 00:15:25,274 --> 00:15:26,314 Okay. 324 00:15:26,343 --> 00:15:27,787 Anyway, I'm gonna show him my models 325 00:15:27,811 --> 00:15:29,711 and pitch him Space Shire Seven. 326 00:15:29,779 --> 00:15:33,514 Okay, before we go, I should wet my eyes. 327 00:15:40,557 --> 00:15:42,023 There. 328 00:15:48,097 --> 00:15:49,641 Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker, 329 00:15:49,665 --> 00:15:52,277 and we have a fantastic cooking competition for you today 330 00:15:52,301 --> 00:15:54,402 with two fantastic chefs. 331 00:15:54,470 --> 00:15:57,616 Really? You couldn't find another adjective for "fantastic"? 332 00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:59,640 Used "fantastic" twice? Who wrote this? 333 00:15:59,675 --> 00:16:01,075 Erica did. 334 00:16:01,144 --> 00:16:02,921 Wait, is that the one I called fat and we can't fire? 335 00:16:02,945 --> 00:16:03,989 Yeah. 336 00:16:04,013 --> 00:16:05,853 Let's get this contest started! 337 00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:10,734 Big whoop. I can do that. 338 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,438 Oh, my God, Erica! You killed Erica! 339 00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:16,023 Fantastic. 340 00:16:22,498 --> 00:16:24,766 That's him. George R.R. Martin. 341 00:16:27,837 --> 00:16:29,615 God, he must be the coolest fat guy 342 00:16:29,639 --> 00:16:31,801 in a train conductor's cap in the world! 343 00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:33,358 Mr. Martin, I'm Brian Griffin, 344 00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:35,926 and I've got a pitch that's gonna blow you away. 345 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,162 Are you sitting down? Almost always. 346 00:16:38,230 --> 00:16:43,500 Then join me on an interstellar crusade to Space Shire Seven! 347 00:16:43,569 --> 00:16:46,003 Our story begins 50,000 fortnights ago 348 00:16:46,072 --> 00:16:48,405 in the distant galaxy of Warlock's Keep. 349 00:16:48,474 --> 00:16:49,907 Comet Castle falls. 350 00:16:49,976 --> 00:16:52,409 Samson Cyberblood is the new king of the star system. 351 00:16:52,478 --> 00:16:56,647 Long live Space Shire Seven, and long live the Hyperspeed Throne! 352 00:16:58,584 --> 00:17:00,101 So? What do you think? 353 00:17:00,169 --> 00:17:01,668 It was terrible. 354 00:17:01,737 --> 00:17:04,015 Ah, you're speaking the language of the Opposite Goblins. 355 00:17:04,039 --> 00:17:05,389 I'm very flattered. 356 00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:08,125 No, it's garbage. You just took a lot of pills, 357 00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:11,173 mashed together a bunch of sci-fi and fantasy cliches 358 00:17:11,197 --> 00:17:14,148 and crapped out a 2,000-page turd. 359 00:17:14,216 --> 00:17:15,949 You could tell I was on medication? 360 00:17:16,018 --> 00:17:17,785 Oh, sure. 361 00:17:17,853 --> 00:17:20,966 But that stuff doesn't make you write well, it just makes you write a lot. 362 00:17:20,990 --> 00:17:22,356 Now, if you'll excuse me, 363 00:17:22,425 --> 00:17:25,905 I have to go wash the nerd chotch out of my beard. 364 00:17:27,563 --> 00:17:28,863 God. 365 00:17:28,931 --> 00:17:32,333 I didn't realize how those drugs were ruining me creatively. 366 00:17:32,402 --> 00:17:35,202 I haven't been feeling quite right, either. 367 00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:38,439 Yesterday, I watched Chris shower for half an hour 368 00:17:38,508 --> 00:17:41,275 just because I thought it was the TV. 369 00:17:41,344 --> 00:17:44,445 He, um, lies on his back in there. 370 00:17:44,514 --> 00:17:46,847 Stewie, this drug is ruining us. 371 00:17:46,916 --> 00:17:48,093 We don't need these. 372 00:17:48,117 --> 00:17:49,283 You're right. 373 00:17:49,352 --> 00:17:52,219 These pills are for people with real problems. 374 00:17:52,288 --> 00:17:54,221 But there's nothing wrong with us. 375 00:17:54,290 --> 00:17:56,156 You're just lazy, I'm just excitable. 376 00:17:56,225 --> 00:17:59,259 We're both normal. Now let's go home. 377 00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:07,702 That man is an imposter! I am George R.R. Martin! 378 00:18:07,770 --> 00:18:08,902 Whoa! 379 00:18:16,712 --> 00:18:18,979 Let's begin the Channel 5 cook-off. 380 00:18:19,048 --> 00:18:21,768 Remember, the winner gets to keep his TV show. 381 00:18:21,817 --> 00:18:24,351 And the secret ingredient is 382 00:18:25,087 --> 00:18:26,470 butter. 383 00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:28,272 Oh, sweet! No. 384 00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:29,857 That's Peter's specialty. 385 00:18:33,295 --> 00:18:36,597 I was hoping the secret ingredient would be popcorn shrimps. 386 00:18:36,666 --> 00:18:40,084 I liked smacking your butt earlier. 387 00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:43,888 Are the balls different from the cubes? God, what do I do? 388 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:46,168 Joe, check if we have shallots! Okay. 389 00:18:46,192 --> 00:18:49,112 I can't see anything on the counter, but I'll do my best. 390 00:18:50,679 --> 00:18:52,263 Monster brains! 391 00:18:52,331 --> 00:18:54,565 Looks like Chef Griffin is preparing 392 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:57,017 a delicious five-course butter feast. 393 00:18:57,086 --> 00:18:59,120 Son of a bitch, I never cook with butter. 394 00:18:59,188 --> 00:19:01,033 Joe, grab my recipe book and find a dish 395 00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:03,457 where I can substitute olive oil with butter. 396 00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:06,043 Joe, come on, hurry! 397 00:19:06,112 --> 00:19:08,779 I told you I'm not a strong reader! 398 00:19:12,918 --> 00:19:14,435 Damn it, Joe, pull it together! 399 00:19:14,503 --> 00:19:17,516 Hey, Quagmire. FYI, I got to take off in, like, 10 minutes. 400 00:19:17,540 --> 00:19:18,972 I got a clarinet lesson. 401 00:19:19,041 --> 00:19:20,374 What? 402 00:19:20,443 --> 00:19:21,909 I can't do this. 403 00:19:26,081 --> 00:19:29,950 Look at Quagmire. This was his dream. 404 00:19:30,019 --> 00:19:32,670 Time's almost up, Peter. We're gonna win! 405 00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:36,641 No, we're not. 406 00:19:40,947 --> 00:19:42,980 And in a stunning turn of events, 407 00:19:43,049 --> 00:19:45,015 Chef Griffin is eating his entire meal. 408 00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:46,284 He'll have nothing to serve. 409 00:19:52,658 --> 00:19:53,891 Well, that's it. 410 00:19:53,959 --> 00:19:56,260 If Chef Quagmire has prepared a dish of any kind, 411 00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:57,861 he wins this competition. 412 00:19:57,930 --> 00:19:59,663 Let's see what he has. 413 00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:03,567 A warm packet of tartar sauce brought in from somewhere else. 414 00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:06,356 "When are you gonna use that?" Bonnie said. 415 00:20:06,405 --> 00:20:08,339 We have a winner! 416 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:14,295 Peter, you threw the cook-off for me? 417 00:20:14,364 --> 00:20:16,563 I couldn't take your dream away... Heart attack! 418 00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:17,865 From you, buddy. 419 00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:19,645 You're the... Mini stroke! One with the real... 420 00:20:19,669 --> 00:20:21,252 Heart attack! ...talent. 421 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:22,931 You... Heart attack! Deserve the show... 422 00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:25,105 Regular stroke! Not me. 423 00:20:25,174 --> 00:20:29,810 You're a good friend, Peter. But I don't want a show, either. 424 00:20:29,879 --> 00:20:32,096 You don't? Of course not. 425 00:20:32,164 --> 00:20:33,909 Look what the show did to us. 426 00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:36,478 It destroyed the most important friendship I have. 427 00:20:36,502 --> 00:20:37,579 Thanks. 428 00:20:37,603 --> 00:20:39,603 You know what? Let's end this for good. 429 00:20:39,671 --> 00:20:41,238 How? 430 00:20:41,307 --> 00:20:43,919 The same way Paula Deen got her cooking show taken off the air. 431 00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:46,843 By saying the one word you can't come back from. 432 00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:50,381 What? Say the word? Right now? 433 00:20:50,449 --> 00:20:52,116 Yeah. Together. 434 00:20:53,819 --> 00:20:55,920 Ready? You bet. 435 00:20:58,173 --> 00:21:00,741 You could have just quit the show.